"And remember, lads, if you lose a limb, pick it up and bring it with you so as we can sew it back on later..."

Even Waldo, typing furiously in his bath, perked up when we read him Times' columnist Matthew Parris' account of this years Royal Shrovetide Football match in Ashbourne, England.

Just a paragraph makes clear the event is no ordinary affair:

'This is a two-day, no-holds-barred game where crowds play and goal posts are three miles apart. A substantial middle-aged lady once confided in me (as her MP) that she secretly defied her husband's ban on joining the mob, had a tremendous afternoon - and for weeks contrived to undress in the dark so he never saw the massive bruises.'

Wikipedia has a more detailed, if equally horrifying, "Overview" of the event:

'The game is played over two days on Shrove Tuesday and Ash Wednesday, starting each day at 2.00 pm and lasting until 10.00 pm. If the goal is scored (in local parlance, the ball is goaled) before 5.00 pm a new ball is released and play restarts from the town centre, otherwise play ends for the day. Despite the name, the ball is rarely kicked, though it is legal to kick, carry or throw it. Instead it generally moves through the town in a series of hugs, like a giant scrum in rugby, made up of dozens if not hundreds of people.

'The two teams that play the game are known as the Up'Ards and the Down'Ards. Up'Ards traditionally are those town members born north of Henmore Brook, which runs through the town, and Down'Ards are those born south of the river. There are two goal posts 3 miles apart, one at Sturston Mill (where the Up'Ards attempt to score), the other at Clifton Mill (where the Down'Ards score). Although the Mills have long since been demolished part of their mill stones still stand on the bank of the river at each location and indeed themselves once served as the scoring posts. In 1996 the scoring posts were replaced once again by new smaller mill stones mounted onto purpose-built stone structures, which are still in use to this day and require the players to actually be in the river in order to 'goal' a ball, as this was seen as more challenging.

'The actual process of 'goaling' a ball requires a player to hit it against the mill stone three successive times. This is not a purely random event however, as the eventual scorer is elected en route to the goal and would typically be someone who lives in Ashbourne or at least whose family is well known to the community. The chances of a 'tourist' goaling a ball is very remote, though they are welcome to join in the effort to reach the goal. When a ball is 'goaled' that particular game ends.

'The game is played through the town with no limit player numbers or playing area (aside from those mentioned in the rules below), it is for this reason that shops in the town are boarded up during the game, and people are encouraged to park their cars away from the main streets. The game is started from a special plinth in the town centre where the ball is thrown to the players (or turned-up in the local parlance), often by a visiting dignitary. Before the ball is turned-up, the assembled crowd sing Auld Lang Syne followed by God Save the Queen. The starting point has not changed in many years, although the town has changed around it, consequently the starting post is currently located in the car park of a local supermarket.

'The game has been known as Royal since the then Prince of Wales (later King Edward VIII) turned-up in 1928. The Prince suffered a bloody nose. The game received 'Royal Assent' for a second time in 2003, when the game was once again started by the Prince of Wales, in this instance HRH Prince Charles. On this occasion, the Prince threw the ball into play from a raised plinth^[1].

'The game is played with a special ball, larger than a standard football, which is filled with Portuguese cork to help the ball float when it inevitably ends up in the river ["River Play", the article goes on the explain, means "this is reference to the sections of the game played in the river, as with runners there will be members of the team that specialise in river play, it is possible for the entire game to be played solely in the river."]. It is hand-painted by local craftsmen specially for the occasion, and the design is usually related to the dignitary who will be turning-up the ball. Once a ball is goaled it is repainted with the name and in the design of the scorer and is theirs to keep. If a ball is not goaled it is repainted in the design of the dignitary that turned it up and given back to them to keep. Many of the balls are put on display in the local pubs during the game for the public to view, traditionally these pubs are divided by team (The Wheel Inn being a popular Down'Ard base for example).'

Well, it does sound a bit anarchic, doesn't it, like the running of the bulls in Pamplona or that tomato-throwing mob in Spain (or is it Italy?). Happily, there are several rules:

'The main ones are:

• Committing murder or manslaughter is prohibited. Unnecessary violence is frowned upon.
• The ball may not be carried in a motorised vehicle.
• The ball may not be hidden in a bag, coat or rucksack etc.
• Cemeteries, churchyards and the town memorial gardens are strictly out of bounds.
• Playing after 10 pm is forbidden.'

We now have an addition to our list of Unfulfilled Life Goals.