Things come around

Breaking news: "...Earlier today, Craig arrived at San Francisco City Hall to wed Sgt. Dave Karsnia, the Minneapolis Airport plainclothes police officer who busted him in a bathroom last June. The nuptials can move forward thanks to a recent California Supreme Court ruling that struck down a ban on gay marriage.

"With this foot, I thee flirt," said Craig to his betrothed, who then handcuffed Craig and slapped him playfully in the face.

"The private ceremony was held in a quaint public bathroom on the third floor at San Francisco City Hall. In an interview after the ceremony, Craig said, in his highly oratorical and completely off-putting voice, "We wanted all of the heat to die down before we went forward with this. Well ... not all the heat."

"Craig vowed to love and honor Karsnia and never admit that he is actually gay. He also vowed to continue to ruin the institution of marriage with his current wife, Suzanne.

"Guests in the other stalls included disgraced megachurch leader Ted Haggard, former Rep. Mark Foley (R-Fla.) and Washington State Rep. Richard Curtis, who all cried and hugged before releasing statements condemning gay marriage and voicing their unwavering support for a constitutional ban on gay people, marriage, rainbow flags, Teletubbies and Melissa Etheridge.

"It's how we always imagined it," said a teary-eyed Craig.

"I'm not gay," he added."