How often does depression strike you, and how do you know what's triggering it?That is a hard one. I don't record all my depressive moments in my diary.
Reading the last book, correct me if I'm wrong, I just got the impression you can tell when something is really building up, but you can't actually stop it.
I can tell. But you can't stop it, no. Some people can. I had quite a bad episode just before Easter. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out that was probably all the angst of going back. I'd promised Gordon. He had been trying to get me to go back for a long time. I knew I could help him in some ways.
I can tell. But you can't stop it, no. Some people can. I had quite a bad episode just before Easter. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out that was probably all the angst of going back. I'd promised Gordon. He had been trying to get me to go back for a long time. I knew I could help him in some ways.
In your former position?
Lots of different positions but certainly that would have been one of them. I just knew that that it wasn't right, for me. I had a pretty bad episode. Funnily enough, it's just amazing how sometimes other people can see things for you. We were in Scotland on holiday at Easter and met up with Charles Kennedy and his wife Sarah,as we usually do. I don't think she's even aware of this but Sarah persuaded me about how the Tories were stoppable. I'd been saying that Cameron had a problem with the public, that people were beginning to resent the money and the posters and the negativity about Gordon and so forth. So I came back early the next day from my holiday. The point I was making is that I neither saw that one coming, nor did I see it going. You always tend to get a depressive episode after you've been through a big thing. I've had a bit of a wobble since.
Lots of different positions but certainly that would have been one of them. I just knew that that it wasn't right, for me. I had a pretty bad episode. Funnily enough, it's just amazing how sometimes other people can see things for you. We were in Scotland on holiday at Easter and met up with Charles Kennedy and his wife Sarah,as we usually do. I don't think she's even aware of this but Sarah persuaded me about how the Tories were stoppable. I'd been saying that Cameron had a problem with the public, that people were beginning to resent the money and the posters and the negativity about Gordon and so forth. So I came back early the next day from my holiday. The point I was making is that I neither saw that one coming, nor did I see it going. You always tend to get a depressive episode after you've been through a big thing. I've had a bit of a wobble since.
Is depression also largely the reason why you haven't gone into elected politics?No, I don't think so. I would have done had events worked out differently. I still might, but if this coalition lasts five years, I'll be 57 at the next election. I was 53 last week. Depression is interesting because it's really hard to describe. It's like childbirth. I've seen Fiona having a baby three times now. You just think: "How do you ever want to go through that again?" Answer: because you forget the pain. It's the same with depression. When I'm not depressed I find it very hard to explain what it's like. One of the reasons I wrote the novel All in My Mind was because I wanted to give some sense of it. I used to have to wait until I was depressed to get in the right mood to write. But if I waited too long and became genuinely depressed I couldn't write. Having a sense of purpose really helps. What it must be like for people who are depressed and unemployed, I can't even begin to think. To be fair, Tony didn't know how bad it was until he read the diary. I used to tell him but he said he never realised I was actually that bad.
Is it something that unless someone suffers from it they can ever really understand? It's very hard for me to understand because I've never ever had any kind of depression.
Fiona finds it hard as she has to live with it. She sees what it's like when it's really bad. With the kids, even though they can see when I'm depressed, I'm not quite as bad with them as I am with Fiona. With her, I feel that I can let myself go. I remember periods when things were really intense at work, when I was actually in a state of clinical depression. You've just got to keep going. It's very hard.
Fiona finds it hard as she has to live with it. She sees what it's like when it's really bad. With the kids, even though they can see when I'm depressed, I'm not quite as bad with them as I am with Fiona. With her, I feel that I can let myself go. I remember periods when things were really intense at work, when I was actually in a state of clinical depression. You've just got to keep going. It's very hard.
How bad does it get in those circumstances? Have you ever come close to thinking: "I'm going to top myself?"
No, but you understand why people do. Where I've got to now is, depression at its worst is feeling dead and alive at the same time. You feel you're alive, there's a glass of water there, you know you've got to drink it, you've got to eat but you feel completely dead inside. Where I've got to is an understanding that it passes. One of the first lessons of crisis management is understanding it will end, and that's the same with depression. It will end. It may end in medication, it may end in you going to hospital, but it will end.
No, but you understand why people do. Where I've got to now is, depression at its worst is feeling dead and alive at the same time. You feel you're alive, there's a glass of water there, you know you've got to drink it, you've got to eat but you feel completely dead inside. Where I've got to is an understanding that it passes. One of the first lessons of crisis management is understanding it will end, and that's the same with depression. It will end. It may end in medication, it may end in you going to hospital, but it will end.
When you had the incident on The Andrew Marr Show in February, when you became emotional while defending Tony Blair's conduct on Iraq, were you in the middle of it then?
Possibly. That was just a moment of absolute frustration. I'd been through the whole inquiry. But there's a guy [Marr] who has made a very good living out of being part of this media culture, and when he threw in that question about the figures - for which the BBC have apologised for getting wrong - he got it wrong. He said they were UN figures about casualties. It was just a combination of things. What was going through my mind was that it didn't matter what I said to him. They like to say, like Adam Boulton, that they've got no agenda, they're totally impartial. Bollocks.
Possibly. That was just a moment of absolute frustration. I'd been through the whole inquiry. But there's a guy [Marr] who has made a very good living out of being part of this media culture, and when he threw in that question about the figures - for which the BBC have apologised for getting wrong - he got it wrong. He said they were UN figures about casualties. It was just a combination of things. What was going through my mind was that it didn't matter what I said to him. They like to say, like Adam Boulton, that they've got no agenda, they're totally impartial. Bollocks.
What about this role you have now as a sort of ambassador for people with depression? Are you comfortable in that role?
I do it because if one in four people in the public get mental health problem in their life, why should politics be any different?
I do it because if one in four people in the public get mental health problem in their life, why should politics be any different?
There are a lot of politicians, past and present who have suffered from depression aren't there?
The Norwegian prime minister told his cabinet he had to resign because of his depression and they insisted he stayed. He took a sabbatical and his ratings went stratospheric. I feel comfortable with it because I've never felt ashamed of it. Some people get cancer, some people break their leg and some people get depression. And it's important that we understand it in politics because I suspect it attracts more people of a mentally-ill bent than other areas. We should be open about it. I won't say who it was, but there were a couple of candidates at the last election who came to me and said: "I've got problems." And I replied: "It's great that you're open about it but I don't want to be prescriptive." I feel it's never harmed me. The press have been pretty fair on this and that's in part because within journalism you'll fi nd there are more people getting depression than you'd realise.
The Norwegian prime minister told his cabinet he had to resign because of his depression and they insisted he stayed. He took a sabbatical and his ratings went stratospheric. I feel comfortable with it because I've never felt ashamed of it. Some people get cancer, some people break their leg and some people get depression. And it's important that we understand it in politics because I suspect it attracts more people of a mentally-ill bent than other areas. We should be open about it. I won't say who it was, but there were a couple of candidates at the last election who came to me and said: "I've got problems." And I replied: "It's great that you're open about it but I don't want to be prescriptive." I feel it's never harmed me. The press have been pretty fair on this and that's in part because within journalism you'll fi nd there are more people getting depression than you'd realise.
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