Pope-pourri

Pope Spox: King of All Media

     Vatican press rep Lido Rialto says retiring Pope Benedict XVI, who took up Twitter just days before handing off his keys, will continue an aggressive media presence in retirement.

     "Anything is possible," Rialto said. "Look at Lourdes."

     Rialto wouldn't say whether the 85-year old pontiff has retained professional management, but sources close to the papal apartment say he has created a publishing/media outlet, Pontifex Press, with an office in the Cayman Islands.

     "It will convenient for the ex-Holy Father, who needs a new place to spend winters once the next pope assumes the pontifical residences," Rialto said.

     Variety has learned from a variety of sources that offers are pouring into the Vatican ahead of the pope's month-end retirement. One being looked at seriously is a part-time gig as Robert H. Bork Professor of Retroexegesis at Pizza King University in Hell, Michigan. Another possibility is that the pope, an established mid-list author, will go mainstream in some new titles. Those under discussion, sources say, include a full-throated defense of the male priesthood, tentatively titled, "Nun of the Above." Other titles being considered include a chick-lit oriented set of meditations, "The Devil Wears Prada But God Goes Gucci"; and a cookbook, "Gustat sicut pullum: barbecue tips ex scriniis Inquisitionem" ("Tastes Just Like Chicken: Barbecue Tips From The Files of The Inquisition," with a foreword by the eponymous mega chef Bobby Flay).

     Outside projects are multiplying. Oliver Stone plans an HBO special on the pope in retirement. "It's fascinating," he told Variety. "It's like Nixon resigned, and spent the rest of his life in the White House attic." Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, a Catholic convert, is reported to have approached the Holy See about a collaboration on a new counterfactual historical novel, "Pius IX and Jefferson Davis: The Partnership That Made America The Magnolia Caliphate." Celebrity biographer Kitty Kelley's publicist hints at a coming "warts and all, and there's plenty" expose' of the pope's secretly troubled relationship as dogma enforcer for his predecessor, "Will Rogers Never Met JP2." And "Coast to Coast AM" radio honcho George Noury claims an exclusive reveal on how the Pope pulled all the strings on the Obama birth certificate fifty years ago.

     Rialto cautions a more gradual roll-out of the post-pope is likely. "For one thing, many decisions must be made about wardrobe considerations. Styles have changed since the last papal abdication six hundred years ago." Benedict has never shown a preference for any one famed Italian design house over another.
     Rialto refused to deny the pope might be considering limited-run engagements like a package from CPB that includes a Charlie Rose-moderated debate with Francis Fukayama, "Was The End of History Really 1500?'; a special edition "Car Talk" on the secrets of the Popemobile ("Ya got OnStar?" Clack is rumored to have asked); and an appearance on "Wait Wait, Don't Tell Me," the NPR news quiz, in a segment called, "God chose me. I quit. I'm still infallible."

     Manhattan media man Don Draper sniffed at the rumors swirling around the potential papal palpability in the media. "Look at him. He's old. Nobody gets him. He's a legacy brand."

     Rialto did let slip several projects that have  been turning up for years and are not likely to get a green light now that the pontiff's got more time on his hands. There'll be no collaboration with Harvard prof Tom Lehrer, 84, on "Vatican Rag: The Musical." No guest spot as Emperor Palpatine in the coming Disney Star Wars revival. "An objectively disordered fabrication," Rialto scoffed. No to a Jan Fonda-helmed exercise video for seniors: "Secrets of the Rack: Stretching Through Time." And no to a Russell Simmons BET special, "What It At, Joey Rat?"

     Rialto insists, however, that the ex-pope "has great Q ratings" and will exploit the moral capital he built up with the power of excommunication he held over a potential audience of billions. Gazing reverentially upwards, Rialto concluded, "The sky really is the limit." A tad lower, however, is Seattle writer and lapsed gay Catholic Dan Savage's nomination of Benedict to the Guinness Book of World Records as "history's most succinct sex advice columnist."
     "Every answer is 'don't'," Savage laughed.