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Friday, October 16, 2015

"I'm available."

Dear Mr Ailes:
I'd like to apply for the vacant slot as Fox's fake national security advisor.I am so sorry to read that your Wayne Simmons project has not worked out as hoped. But he had a good long run, and perhaps, with more therapy, he can become a permanent, functioning member of the right-wing media chatterati- perhaps in a lower-pressure, structured environment like Free Republic or Breitbart News.
Mr Simmons' fall should not deter you, however, from carrying on your far-sighted and compassionate rehab programs. Taking old, unwanted news and discarded ideas, and giving them to cognitively challenged individuals seeking media careers, is noble work, as we can see from the number of program graduates who are now running, full time, for President. As Fred Allen often said, the reason television is called a medium is because so little of what's on it is well done. But your operation is unique.
Not for nothing is Fox praised as the Goodwill Industries of the news media. Seeing Neil Cavuto overcome his giant head; Todd Starnes, weight issues and an empty brain pan; and Sarah Palin's conquest of grammar and syntax, gives hope to millions every night.
But back to why you should hire me:
I look the part. I have grey hair and a moustache; I wear glasses and have lots of power ties. I can also dye my hair blonde and vaseline my teeth, if that's the look you want.
More important, I have traveled in seventeen nations and felt absolutely secure in all of them. There are other nations I did not feel secure visiting, and I did not visit them. My experience of such travels, and non-travels goes back forty years, which is longer than Mr Simmons had not being a national security expert.
Many of the counties I did not visit are in the Middle East. Indeed, there is not a hot spot in the world I have visited, because of my keen sense of national security.
I can read cue cards and teleprompter scripts, and have, in fact, made numerous television and
radio appearances going back to 1965, when Raeford Elementary School burned and I walked in front of a WRAL-TV camera crew.
You will know those call letters. Jesse Helms was the editorial director there. I have photos with him that are not photoshopped or selfies.
I have overseas experience in ripped-from-the headlines-drama, playing H.R. Haldeman, President Nixon's chief of staff, in a musical about Watergate called Dick Deterred. The playwright, David Edgar came up to Oxford to play the piano in the band, and the production was so good, no one shot him.
I was on The Daily Show With Jon Stewart, in a "This Week With God" feature. I appeared in a video clip about a trial I was defending, and said absolutely nothing. I had a really excellent, and expensive, haircut, though, and I looked Faaabulous. In that case I was also scheduled, and canceled, to appear on Good Morning America, with Diane Sawyer, four times, and each one was cancelled because of the Palestinian uprising of 2004- again, direct experience of national security issues as they happened. And again, in that case, I did a ten minute minute segment about the case on The PBS News Hour that was rescheduled three times due to the Middle East situation, and after that, well, no one cared. Oregon Public Broadcasting has the film and they won't give me a copy, even though I am a fake, freelance, national security expert.
I did two Evening Magazine segments for a Seattle TV station in 1994-95, commenting on odd laws like the ordinance prohibiting taking tropical fish on city buses. I stood up for the rights of fish owners to take their fish anywhere, and suggested, artfully, that the ordinance was to beat back liberal attempts to pass off goldfish as companion animals and get grant money for fancy travel bowls.
At the National Press Club, I once filled in for a prominent journalist on a panel discussion about press coverage of high profile legal cases. Harvard Professor and TV interlocutor Arthur Miller, our moderator, looked me over, and said, "I know Washington Times Supreme Court correspondent Lyle Denniston. Lyle Denniston is a friend of mine. And you, sir, are NOT Lyle Denniston!"
So you see I have experience flying under a false flag.
Taken all in all, I have one of the best records of successful, unseen media appearances of anyone in America. I am like a Supreme Court nominee with no paper trail but everyone remembers seeing me somewhere.
Give me a try. I can predict terrorist attacks anywhere, any time, and then explain why they did not happen.
Sincerely yours,
P.S. I'm attaching a photo of my better side.

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