by Lin T.
Mr Hoover's Civics Class, 4th period
Donald Trump has a large penis. He doesn’t think Marco Rubio is such a lightweight: “He hit on my hands. That’s a first. And you know what else he said. I guarantee there’s no problem with anything being small.” He’s beating Hillary Clinton in the polls, and he hasn’t even started on her yet. She does not have a penis.
Donald Trump says if he spent a year in space, two inches taller isn't the only way he'd be coming home to Melania.
Donald Trump did his Jeb Bush personal insult routine on Senator Rubio because Jeb is home in Florida taking smart-ass calls from George about who’s the smart one now? He called him “little Marco” and said “this little guy has lied so much about my record...he has the #1 absentee record in the Senate. He doesn’t show up for work. He defrauded the people of Florida. They can’t stand him. He couldn’t get elected dogcatcher." He agrees with Ted Cruz that marriage equality and adoption are state issues but without Ted Cruz’s drooling spite towards gays. He said he’ll appoint the same sort of judges Ted will, so there. Ted Cruz, to Donald Trump, is “lying Ted”. That made me wonder why he’d agree with anything Ted Cruz says, but Donald Trump is flexible. Just not much.
Donald Trump changes his positions on immigration and gun control but his are the hardest, strongest positions anyway, and when he changes his mind he doesn’t change it much. He makes deals all the time and gets people in rooms and cajoles them, but he never settles lawsuits even when they have no merit because that’s why he doesn’t get sued so much, and so let’s see how this silly Trump U case goes in two years. No, make that three. He could settle it now, of course. He’s champeen at eliminating waste, see. He will get rid of the Department of Education by eliminating Common Core. He will get rid of “the Department of EPA” except for “little tidbits”. He can save $300 billion a year negotiating better drug prices for Medicare. So what that Medicare only spends $78 billion a year on drugs? He meant we can save $300 billion a year everywhere on waste, fraud and abuse. Larry Kudlow, a TV talk show host, says his economic plan is the best, so there.
So what that Donald Trump wrote checks to pols. Before he was a pol- except he isn’t- he got along with everyone by buying their friendship. He won’t release his off the record tape with The New York Times editorial board because he respects journalists, but The New York Times is, he says, a failed newspaper that gets everything wrong, so no he won’t let the public see what he said even when he doesn’t respect the journos. Speaking of New York, the families of terrorists deserve to be blown up, and something about an airplane one family flew into the World Trade Center. He saw it from New Jersey. He was at a halal cookout with Chris Christie in Patterson and saw everything.
Donald Trump can only hire foreign workers for his Mar-A-Lago Club in Florida because it’s so hot there that only rich Americans can pay the six-figure membership fees to waste away in that heat but real Americans won’t work there. Anyway, no one wants to work part time except foreigners- because other countries don’t send us their best, and he only hires the best, because the really hot time isn’t very long. “It is a very short season. It’s called ‘The Season.’”
Now we know “the reason for the season” and why Donald Trump will make everyone say “Merry Christmas.”
Donald Trump shouts people down when he doesn't like what they say.
Ted Cruz is a very, very angry man. He spits out hard, elongated stop consonants: TRuck DRivers, MECHanics, TEAchers, to show his anger is their anger. Mostly he steered every question back to his version of the Rubio Memory Chip: repeal and replace every word, rip up the regulations, constitutionalists on the court, second amendment repeal, checks to Hillary. After he abolishes the IRS he will have a little office at the Treasury Department where you will send your tax return on a postcard. No one will explain how to attach the check. He can save $500 billion a year ending corporate welfare and replacing it with corporate tax rates so low they won’t need any corporate welfare any more. Donald Trump needs to release The New York Times tape to show how rigid Ted Cruz is- at least in terms of his views.
Ted Cruz, when he is not flaring his nostrils and glaring at the camera, is a condescending old substitute teacher when it comes Donald’s refusals to diagram sentences. “Count to ten Donald, count to ten, you can do it….breathe, Donald, breathe, I know it’s hard…I mean breathing’s hard, Donald...Yelling and cursing doesn’t make you a leader.” Chris Christie, in Hell, was reaching up from the pit, begging someone to let him rise and point out that Ted Cruz was this debate's robot, repeating the same stuff over and over. Ted Cruz says the media’s job is to tell America how sixty years of liberal policies destroyed Detroit, and that is what he think about the water crisis in Flint.
Ted Cruz wants to militarize space.
Marco Rubio has taken Jeb Bush’s place as Donald Trump’s nerd in fifth-period chemistry class. He’s Gilligan, trapped in an abusive relationship with the Skipper. At the star of the debate he piously- and he knows from pious, having been a Catholic, a Mormon, a Baptist and a nondenom bigbox churcher- said he’d rather they have a policy debate, but Donald Trump has been abusing and insulting everyone so he deserves having everyone insult and abuse him back, and he sure was gonna get his licks in on the big guy. Oh, and the media reports what Donald Trump says and that’s not as good as if it reported what Marco Rubio says.
Marco Rubio says two-thirds of primary voters have voted against Donald Trump and then repeats his Party of Reagan and Lincoln/conservative values clip.
Marco Rubio wants Donald Trump’s clothes to be made in America. Donald Trump says he can’t because “they” devalue currencies to make it impossible to make clothes in America. Marco Rubio said there are plenty of companies that make clothes in America. Donald Trump said he has been moving his factories back to America a little at a time. Marco Rubio said Donald Trump makes them overseas because he makes more money that way. Donald Trump started calling him a liar and shouting him down.
Marco Rubio started overheating and got Max Headroomy on a question about why the GOP has no plans for infrastructure replacement nationally, and only has cricket sounds over what to do about Flint’s water. He started looping that no one woke up in the morning and decided to poison the people of Flint. No one woke up in the morning and decided to poison the people of Flint. It was a partial failure at the state level and a complete one at the federal level. It was a partial failure at the federal level and the Governor has taken responsibility for it, and wants somebody to do something.
It being Fox News’ debate, no one asked Ted Cruz why he has been blocking a congressional appropriation to relief to Flint.
John Kasich would have had you drunk on your ass after 90 minutes. His is the drinking game words platform. Balanced the federal budget. Tough decisions. Created all those jobs Bill Clinton claims. Worked with Ronald Reagan. Ohio, big deficit, big surplus. Bond rating. 400,000 jobs. Defense committee, 18 years. 9/11, SecDef called me to Pentagon to help with his problems. Twenty-year-old solutions work great!
When he got off message, Kasch floundered. He’s felt the heat from the religious liberty people. We should all just agree to sell and buy cupcakes, he now says. But if you want the cupcake lady to deliver them to your gay anything, she can say no, but we ought to be nice about it, and not chase two lesbians and their kids out into the parking lot shouting that they are abominations, the way the bakers in Oregon did (he didn’t say that part but it’s an apt example of the incivility he, to his credit, decried). But then he said the mean gays ought not to sue if the photographer insults them, they should just go get someone else. Never mind that nondiscrimination law in their city or state. And if the mean gays won’t give the people whose faith is so gossamer that cupcakes leave them teetering on the edge of the pits of Hell, ready to belly flop right next to Chris Christie, well, then we need laws to let the Christians heave the gays into the pit, and ignore any damn law they want.
He admits he can only win the nomination in a brokered convention but won’t tell his supporters to vote for Rubio in Florida. He will win because Democrats tell him he acts like the only grown-up on the debate stage and emotional women tell him emotional things at his town halls, and hugs are exchanged. He can fix bad school districts by getting the union and the ‘Democrat African-American mayor’ to beg him for power to run cities like corporations and buy out the experienced teachers so they can be replaced by young, keen cheap ones like he did in Cleveland. He will bundle 104 federal programs into four and send them to the states and that will have something to do with education. He says we will defeat ISIS by raising an Army of Sunni Muslims who will do what our special forces tell them, and we will drop bombs.
When it came to terrorism and foreign policy, all four candidates explained they have penises so large they trip over them all the damn time.