Today is International Day of Awesomeness, and we’re celebrating:
-The National Enquirer has endorsed Donald Trump for the presidency.
-Tanned, rested and fit, Josh Duggar has left his inpatient treatment center after six months, cured of adultery, sexual abuse of siblings, and withdrawal from his accounts at the now-bankrupt Ashley Madison sex-hookup site. Jesus having eliminated these satanic influences from his life, Duggar plans to get back to his real callings- keeping his wife pregnant so he can satisfy his urges elsewhere and blame her, and making money off homophobia.
-Ivanka Trump and Chelsea Clinton demonstrate that, when your parents’ presidential campaigns come between your friendship, you can buy new friends.
-Chumlee, the waddling comic foil on the reality show Pawn Stars, is looking at a long stretch testing Dr Ben Carson’s declarations that going to jail makes you gay.
-Jail time could also test the belief, expressed in a thousand tweets, held by the newly-elected by the chairman of the Harris County, Texas Republican Party. He insists that Hillary Clinton is a lesbian- one of the angry, mean ones Senator Jesse Helms so despised. That man, Robert Morrow, has announced plans to out all the closeted gay Republicans he can lure to his home. In other Hillaryland news, hard on the heels of his plan to eliminate libel laws so he can sue press outlets that annoy him, Donald Trump told a North Carolina audience he will prosecute Mrs Clinton for something or other once he becomes president. Doesn’t really matter what, and it will be great. America will be winning again.
-Senator Lindsey Graham, who should be glad he does not live in Harris County, Texas, says blockading Supreme Court nominations is a new rule, not an old tradition, like the other Republicans say. Senator Ron Johnson, who is from Wisconsin, says the rule only applies to Democratic presidents.
-Meanwhile, the post mortems are rolling out on former SC senator Jim DeMint’s handpicked boytoy.
-The most interesting man in the world isn’t any more. Rumor has it he plans to retire to a coffee plantation above Bogata, to spend his retirement with his close, personal friend Juan Valdez.
-Besides Supreme Court vacancies and taking away our guns, time is also running out on something else-you getting invited to a state dinner.
-Kansas Republicans are working on a law to allow them to impeach any judge who strikes down an unconstitutional law.
-Today in Modern Problems: should televised GOPOTUS debates come with parental advisory warnings?
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