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Sunday, October 30, 2016

Stuff I read today, October 30, 2016

- Little Marco, Florida’s bored Senator, was set to retire this year after one six-year term run for President. Then his talking points got stuck on buffer in the New Hampshire primary debate and that was that.

After a hiatus, Senator Rubio clambered up on the bodies of the Orlando shooting victims- Florida is very flat and Rubio is so short he wears platforms- and announced he had had a vision, and it involved another six-year term running for President. And so the man who dragged public discourse down to the level of Donald trump’s crotch is back in the race.

Substance-wise, however, the short combover is still a walking GIGO-counter, devoid of the first original thought. In response to his opponent's own debate buffer freeze, Rubio came up with this gem:

The audience laughed, faintly, at one of nearly 20 mentions of the Republican presidential nominee during the one-hour debate.When Murphy next mentioned Trump, Rubio was quick with a rejoinder based on a famous Joe Biden rebuke of Rudy Giuliani: “A noun, a verb and Donald Trump: that’s his answer to everything.”

Where is Max Headroom? He’d be the dream candidate for the Post-Factual Age.

- Everyone is banging on about the FBI’s cack-handed handling of the Zombie Emails. Nobody knows what it means, least of all the Bureau’s director. As I learned in childhood from the adults around me, nothing is more satisfying than chewing over actions long past and past changing. Harry Truman’s vice president, Alben Barkley, wrote an entertaining 1950s memoir in which he recalled a 19th century undecided Kentucky voter who said, “I haven’t made up my mind, but when I do, I’ll be mad as hell!”

- Marco Rubio is but one of the actors making 2016 The Year of The Penis. The presidential election comes down to a pissing match over whose penis did the worst things: 70 year-old-ex-president Bill Clinton, or 70-year-old-president-wannabe Donald Trump.

Here is what you need to know about Penises. Republican men have Family Values Penises, which means they screw around, but in mostly discreet and socially acceptable ways. As the early 20th-century actress Mrs Patrick Campbell said, “Does it really matter what these affectionate people do — so long as they don’t do it in the streets and frighten the horses!”

Democrats are the Party of the Pervert Penis. They are the party of the libertines, of penises of call colors and sizes, mostly XXXL to “Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I’ve found you” , and they do things you wouldn’t believe with theirs, and they do it for fun.

They never get enough, and this is why we have a crying need for Law & Order, and white guys to be able to own ever-bigger, semi-automatic, penis stand-ins (Marginal Revolution predicts the next frontier of bullying will be trolling driverless cars).

It drives men mad that Hillary Clinton is widely imagined not to have a penis. This makes her unpredictable as president: a rara avis, a genetic sport. Many aging penises are springing to Mr Trump’s defense, among them 72-year-old Rudy Giuliani, who would know when he says everybody is an adulterer any more, and 73-year-old Newt Gingrich. They are foursquare in the defense of the traditional privileges of The White Penis (Trump, Rudy and Newt have burned through nine wives so far), but in that realm, a comer to watch is South Carolina Republican write-in candidate Brett Brocato.

So reflexive is the South Carolina voter reach for the straight- literally- GOP voting booth lever, those in the district that surrounds Bob Jones University were shocked to learn they’d recently ousted an absentee Republican woman for a gay Republican man.

There is no room for the Gay American Penis in the GOP (which, regrettably, does not stand for Grizzled Old Penises), so Brett Brocato is running to restore “conservative sexual values”:

Brocato said he decided to run as a write-in candidate after hearing constituents react to news reports about Elliott’s sexual orientation.

“The timing of my run is due to the fact that our Republican nominee claims the voters have accepted his progressive sexual values, yet we’ve seen no evidence that he campaigned as openly homosexual,” Brocato said in a statement.

Asked how Elliott should have campaigned, Brocato told The State: “That burden of figuring out how to campaign that way would probably be on my opponent.”

It is a mark of the depravity of the modern Republican that, after decades of nailing gays into their closets, they now complain when one doesn’t shout it to the rooftops. When I was a boy, and America was great, you could spot them at a distance. My father explained the signs to me.

- The Trump campaign has acknowledged one Official Deplorable: a man who started shouting “Jew-S-A!” at a rally the other day. So far there has been no comment from the black Trump backer The Donald spotted, called a thug, and ordered dragged out of another event- in Kinston, NC, which has worked so hard to rebrand itself as hip and tolerant and arugula-friendly in A Chef's Life.

Nor is there word about whether the campaign will certify the large gathering of Deplorables at the NC State Capitol two weeks ago, where, disguised as a Franklin Graham Republican Jesus rally, they picked out a reporter to scream “Jew-boy” and “fucking sodomite” at.

His “Hillary is a Cunt” short was, apparently, in the laundry bin.

- Fashion icon Tim Gunn explains why Ivanka Trump doesn’t give two slaps about what her father’s supporters wear.

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