The Republican mantra for urban renewal: eugenics and an arts complex for The Gays.

“Good things happen when you’re able to increase your Asian population to a certain threshold: Crime rates go down, education levels go up,” Parris told me. “Interestingly, the same thing happens with the gays. That’s why I put the new performing arts center right downtown.”

A self-described Republican autocrat mayor of a California city best known for a right-wing electorate, advances in meth lab science, a thriving neo-Nazi community, and Chinese anchor-baby tourism, has hit upon the final solution for his party's gay problem.