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Friday, July 11, 2014
The Second Coming
"Cleveland was burning...I had to return..."
CLEVELAND (The Borowitz Report) — In an emotional speech to the people of Cleveland on Friday, N.B.A. superstar LeBron James congratulated them on “realizing the incredible dream of having me back.”
Appearing as a fifty-foot hologram projected on the side of Quicken Loans Arena, James seemed on the verge of tears several times as he praised the city for achieving what he called “a goal no words can describe.”
“The city of Cleveland has taken some hard knocks over the years,” James said. “But here you are today, receiving the most magnificent prize the world has to offer.”
Choking up, James added, “I’m so happy for you.”
In contrast with his first public appearance in Miami four years ago, James did not promise Cleveland a series of N.B.A. titles. “Today’s not about basketball,” he said. “Today is about one man giving meaning and purpose to the lives of millions.”
Although James signed a massively lucrative contract to return to the Cavaliers, he told the people of Cleveland that they had gained something “far more precious” than money. “You have been given the greatest gift of all,” he said. “The gift of me.”