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Friday, March 4, 2016

Round Up the Usual Suspects: Trump won't speak softly, but carries a big stick


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A slow news day, this. Apparently Americans are still absorbing the news that Donald Trump has a giant willy, and its significance in their lives. A 2012 study put American men in the middle of the world’s rigidity ratings. Based on its findings, it is easy to figure out why the leaders of North Korea are so obsessed by building and shooting off big missiles.

Last night, on the medieval mystery play that is Fox News, Bernard Goldberg tsk-tsked bloviator Bill O’Reilly for condoning Donald Trump’s announcement that he has a tool worthy of the Genitally-Obsessed Party’s presidential nod. O’Reilly said it’s OK because when you are running for president as a populist, you are not a republican or a Democrat, but a coarse, common Everyman. As Jim explained to Sheriff Bart in Blazing Saddles, “You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons.”

Ask Billo when he stopped beating his wife and he will reply, “When the supreme court of New York told me I had to.”

We watched the debate last night and published a report on our findings, as is our wont. It’s one part Hemingway, two parts Gertrude Stein, and a dash of H.L. Mencken. You can find it here. Our previous report, on the Super Tuesday Dance of the Warmongers, is here.

In the modern Republican Party, Every Penis Counts. Thus says Mary Lou Bruno, in a runoff for a seat on the Texas Board of Education. She stands by her claim that President Obama is a bisexua who paid his way through school working as a rent boy. The new county chair of the party in Austin, Texas claims that virtually all the men in Texas Republican politics are homosexuals (inexplicably, Molly White, who has billed herself as the most penis-obsessed member of the Texas House of Representatives, lost her seat in the primary the other night).

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