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Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Move over, Panama Papers

From the always-reliable NewsThump:

Kepler Telescope discovers one thousand earth-like tax havens


George Osborne and David Cameron may be hiding their money on a planet eleven light years away.

NASA says the Kepler telescope has found over a thousand earth-like tax havens orbiting star systems that are prepared to turn a blind eye.

Astronomer Simon Williams said, “Analysis of the light from these stars has detected elements such as carbon, oxygen and large scale financial irregularities.

“These planets fall inside the so-called Goldilocks zone where the Tory bears have their big snouts in the porridge.”

Williams believes that one planet, in particular, dubbed OSB2016-XG, has an atmosphere capable of supporting corrupt right-wing bastards and a branch of Goldman Sachs.

As luck would have it, Zarg, Emperor of OSB2016-XG, is a distant uncle of The Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Williams added, “This planet takes a staggering 1240 days to orbit its parent star due to the amount of cash stashed there.”

When asked whether he had received a generous gift from Zarg , Osborne replied, “No comment.”

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