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Friday, May 26, 2017

Meet Montana's new billionaire bully congressthug!


Greg Gianforte, the anger management issues poster boy from Montana, won his race for the state's lone congressional seat last night.

The Republican candidate, who kicked off election day being arrested for beating and attempting to strangle a British reporter, was hailed for his "great victory" by his close friend, President Trump. Rush Limbaugh, the moob-laden Casper Gutman of the Right, jabba'd his hutts up and down over Gianforte's testosterone surpluses in a veritable man crush:
“I must join the chorus of people condemning what happened out there. This manly, obviously studly Republican candidate in Montana took the occasion to beat up a pajama-clad journalist, a Pajama Boy journalist out there.” 
“The story is he grabbed his neck and threw the guy to the ground because the journalist was being insolent and disrespectful and whiny and moany and accusatory,” he explained. “And the manly, studly Republican simply didn’t realize that on the big stage you can’t do this kind of stuff and kicked the guy’s ass to the ground. This cannot be accepted. This must be condemned. I wonder how many people in Montana are now gonna vote for the guy, though?” 
“And there’s a brave newspaper out there,” he continued, “a brave newspaper withdrew its endorsement for this studly, manly, brutish Republican. His name is Gianforte, Greg Gianforte, and he didn’t like this reporter who’s indistinguishable from your average Millennial man today, virtually indistinguishable. He’s from the U.K. Guardian.”
Across the conservative chatterati, that's the line being taken. When someone annoys them, make him seem weak, and, preferably, gay.

For his part, Gianforte authorized a campaign claim that the journo attacked him. Once elected, he settled into the traditional role of a congressman and admitted that was a lie.
Gianforte declared himself the congressman of miners, ranchers, timber fallers, public lands developers, veterans, #MAGAHatters and those who can afford health care.

In the House, Gianforte is expected to join the GOP's Show Your Ass Caucus, led by South Carolina Congressman Jackass Joe Wilson. Wilson, who also winks at segregationist "history" groups, raised $1 million in campaign money for shouting "You lie!" at the first African-American US president during a joint session of Congress; Gianforte raised over $100,000 yesterday from good Christians who saw the hand of God in his body-slamming outburst:
Bruce McGee, a Republican alderman from Laurel, Montana, traveled two hours by bus to attend the party. McGee said he was “a little disappointed” about the assault, but that Gianforte still had his “undying support”. 
The scandal might even have an upside, he said. “It certainly propelled him into the national spotlight,” he said. “So many of these things are providence.”
Gianforte is also a natural fit for the House's ultra-Ayn Rand Freedom Caucus. He supports everything the President does, says, and tweets. He opposes abortion and the minimum wage; he says retirement by workers is contrary to God's plan, citing Noah.

He says evolution is false, that dinosaurs were on the Ark and yet went extinct in the great flood, which he places 4,300 years ago.

The new Montana congressman is deliriously homophobic, underwriting most of the Montana Family Foundation's annual budget, and ladling cash over national hate groups like Focus on the Family and the Family Reseach Council.

Famously thin-skinned and vainglorious, Gianforte decided God wanted him to take out the sitting governor of Montana in his first bid for office last year.

Given a participation medal by the state's voters, the software billionaire decided a seat in Congress would please God about as well. He ran a heavily media-driven campaign, short on public appearances and press contacts given his tendency to tetchiness, and not only got robocalls by the President but had the Vice President and the President's least-weird son, Eric, on the hustings.

Basking in his notoriety, Gianforte will soon fade into the back benches of a congressional majority that includes J.D. Power-certified zanies and moon-calves like Louie Gohmert, Mo Brooks, Devon Nunes, Gowdy Doody, Steve King, Ted Cruz, Tom Cotton, Joanie Ernst and Marsha Blackburn.

He has wisely announced he will commute back and forth from his home in Bozeman. Less than a year ago, he got only 46% of the vote for governor while, at the head of the GOP ticket, the President carried the state by twenty points.

Gianforte was elected to Congress last night with 50.3% of the vote.

But in his moment of glory, the newest One Percenter in Congress has already surpassed his beau ideal, the President: Greg Gianforte will arrive in DC already under criminal indictment.

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