Saturday, June 2, 2018

Pride Month: a short guide for the perplexed




As the President likes to say, "Many people say, "Why is there a Gay Pride Month? Why do They need a whole month? Why isn't there a Straight Pride Month, too?"

These are all good questions, and on Day 2 of Gay Pride Month, I am happy to be of assistance!

-Why is there a Gay Pride Month? LGBT Americans like to get together for parades and music events and movies and drinking beer and having fun.

We tend to do it in groups because everybody loves a parade! Parades are hard to do without crowds of watchers!

It's fun, and it means we will outnumber the protesters who bring bullhorns and scream Bible verses. Crowds scare off the sort of thugs who like to assault us when they spot us solo, or in pairs.

It's also fun to gather in big numbers because the federal government is working hard to prove we don't exist. The Centers for Disease Control have stopped counting us in health surveys they do, and the Census Bureau is trying to stop counting us as people.

So pride events remind us we exist. To paraphrase Descartes, "Et ad festos dies, ergo sum (I party, therefore I is)."

See, lots of people are like that and they also like to commemorate things that are important to them. Like African-American Music Appreciation Month; National Home Ownership Month ("During National Homeownership Month, we affirm the joy and benefits of homeownership"); National Ocean Month ("We acknowledge that our Nation can more effectively and responsibly harness its waters to the great benefit of its citizens"); Caribbean-American Heritage Month; and Great Outdoors Month (" Every American should take the opportunity to enjoy the beauty of our natural wonders, which stretch from coast to coast and beyond").

Those are all months the President of the United States has given the month of June, via proclamations from The White House.

If you don't like Gay Pride Month, feel free to ignore it. Since it became A Thing, most US presidents have. There were only proclamations from the White House in 1999 and 2000, and from 2009 to 2016. You probably didn't even notice it, and most years- like this one, it isn't an Official Thing at all.

So you don't even have to opt out of it! It just happens in some places. Most of America is places where it doesn't happen, so the odds of stumbling into an event are very, very small.

[N.B: if you are a world traveler, be aware that foreign nations celebrate GayPride Month in different months. Check ahead. Over 75 nations make being LGBT illegal, so you'll have no worries there! Sadly, while there are three nations where there are officially no gay people- Iran, Chechnya, and North Korea- they are difficult-to-impossible for Americans to visit.]

-That out of the way, let's move on. "Why a whole month?"

Why not?

Lots of people are happy celebrating their causes as a Day (Mother's, Father's, Arbor, National Hugging Day, National Ice Cream For Breakfast Day, National Masturbation Day (May 7), and Ask A Stupid Question Day all come to mind).

It's a local option thing, and, as one can imagine, people are by no means limited to their day of commemoration to commemorate it!

I believe a whole month is appropriate for Gay Pride because gays are legendary for gentrifying and upgrading the decayed, frayed, abandoned and out-of-fashion.

Why *not* take a month and leave it a little better every year with entertainments and museum exhibits and plays and seminars and festivals? It's like groups who pick a mile of highway to clean: you can get the President to give you a month, too! We are happy to share June, and all the rest are up for grabs!

Besides all that, June is- well, like the song in the musical Carousel celebrates,

June is bustin' out all over
The feelin' is gettin' so intense
That the young Virginia creepers
Have been huggin' the bejeepers
Outta all the mornin' glories on the fence!
Because it's June!

June, June, June
Just because it's June, June, June!

Fresh and alive and gay and young
June is a love song, sweetly song

June is bustin' out all over!
The saplin's are bustin' out with sap!
Love has found my brother, Junior
And my sister's even loonier!
And my Ma is gettin' kittenish with Pap!
June is bustin' out all over

To ladies the men are payin' court
Lotsa ships are kept at anchor
Just because the captains hanker
For the comfort they can only get in port!

-Finally: do we need a Straight Pride Month? Me, I've got nothing against it. I dare say most of us don't.

The Declaration of Independence says Americans enjoy the pursuit of happiness, and if you want to have a Straight Pride Month, knock yourself out!

I'm frankly surprised it hasn't caught on already: there are so many of you, and your people write all the laws and suchlike.

Here's the key: you need to find reasons for a Straight Pride Month. This will not be as easy as you may think.

Here are some reasons you don't need it:

1. You can't get fired, or evicted, or denied a hotel room or a meal in a restaurant, or a wedding cake for it.

2. You get to marry anybody you like, and if you see spouses like many see cars, you can trade up as often as you like.

3. You can serve in the US Armed forces and no one will try to run you out with a dishonorable discharge.

4. You won't get bullied or beat up for it. Or murdered.

5. It's already accepted everywhere you go, like that credit card ad says.

6. You don't have to tell friends and family you are straight, and they won't scorn, evict, or disown you.

But put your shoulders to the wheel, and you are sure to come up with a winning formula for Straight Pride Month! I'll come to your parade to cheer!

Wel, if you let me.

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