It's Christmas Eve eve. The British Royal Family has just unveiled their own YouTube Channel, which includes the first televised Christmas Speech by the Queen fifty years ago (but no embedding in blogs, and no commenting).
While America presidents do not follow a similar practice, this year's foreshortening of the presidential campaign season has produced a similar, if shorter, concept- the presidential candidate holiday video.
Let's see what our choices are (in no particular order):
Rudy Giuliani:
A red sweater (check) whose potential gayness is more than offset by the crisp ironed creases of his shirtsleeves. The candidate sports a much better haircut as well, and some tough-guy Queens jocularity at the end. The overall message, however, is nothing more than another suckup to the GOP right wing.
Score: 2 lumps of coal. "Mom and Dad, what I really want most is a president who will appoint judges to overturn everything he says he believes in. And three packets of tighty whities."
John McCain:
We find it impossible to imagine what it must have been like spending five years in a prisoner of war camp. That part of John McCain's life ought to earn him the gratitude of every American. Still, there's something about the cross in the sand that makes him seem a Huckabee-wannabe, and invokes his transformation from a man who labeled Jerry Falwell an agent of intolerance to a man who beat feet to get Falwell's endorsement. McCain's time may not have come and gone yet, but he still seems like the cranky old uncle who frets about his staff dressing him in sweaters that make him look gay.
Score: 5 lumps of coal. We may disagree with him, but he's been through things for his country that leave us speechless. And he's the one who famously said, "Washington DC is Hollywood for ugly people."
Mike Huckabee:
Red sweater (check). The Huckster is a genuinely engaging personality, with a shrewd sense of produce placement. Thus the cross-that-isn't in the background and his constant references to 60s rock stars. We can remember in the early 70s when Southern Baptist men finally gave up inveighing against the hippies and started getting pin curl perms like Robert Reed. Having been reduced to twenty years of tv commercial jingles, classic rock is just another cultural cliche, which means Huckabee can be hip about the Rolling Stones and come across as the Christian Who Gets It. Something about the freeze-frame of his ad makes him look like a Vulcan, though.
Score: 7 lumps of coal.But before you cast a feel good vote, ask yourself if you or anyone you love is on the list of people and groups he doesn't like.
Ron Paul:
For all the cash he has raised, Paul goes for a chintzy-looking 30-second spot. Red shirt (check) and a family running into the thousands happily decorating a staircase and singing carols. Lots of grandchildren wearing red. Mrs. Paul looks not so much like the fish stick lady as a latter-day Aunt Bee.
Score: 4 lumps of coal. Other than a "family values" message the ad says nothing about Paul's looney-toons political values. For those, see Andrew Sullivan's Daily Dish.
Fred Thompson:
Score: 2 lumps of coal. Talking would be so, well, tiring. Freddo takes the Ken Burns route.
Mitt Romney:
http://www.mittromney.com
You have to go to his website and click on the holiday message tab. Mitt stands in front of a parking garage to wish a Merry Christmas to the families of service members, people who support him for president, and people who care about the future of America.
Score: Scrooged! No lumps of coal. Are there no prisons? Are there no work houses? How fast can I get this thing done and get on to the next fundraiser?
Hillary Clinton:
Score: 2 lumps of coal. Hil, bring US a sack of coal. Boring, preachy, self-righteous, forced humor, stereotypical- you supply your own adjective for this lame-ass pander-fest. It's Rudy's ad in drag.
John Edwards:
Score: 1 lump of coal: From the Media Wing of his 28,000 square-foot house, John Edwards donates 30 seconds of his attention to several segments of the American poor. It's Mitt Romney without a parking garage in the background.
Barack Obama:
Score: Five lumps of coal. A bit forced, but the lack of practice is a nice change from the overly media savvy ads of some of the others in this lot. The "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays" bit from the kids says Pollsters are hovering in the background. Given the leaden quality of the Edwards and Clinton ads, they needn't worry, at least in this round.
The rest of the candidates we couldn't find vids for: Duncan Hunter (busy building a fence against Mexico; Alan Keyes (spending the holidays on a distant planet); Joe Biden (too serious); Chris Dodd (who knows why?); Alan Keyes; Dennis Kucinich (gets a pass, his brother just died); and Bill Richardson (great credentials but a mouth full o' stupid when he talks).
Mike Gravel:
We don't know if they use coal on Mike's home planet.
Happy holidays, comparison shoppers!
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