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Thursday, July 21, 2016

The 4th Dumpster Fire of the Trumpocalypse

Jerry Falwell Jr brings all the insight into national affairs you could want on national TV because of an accident of birth gives him. After preening over his personal religiosity, he excerpted his wife's DAR application's genealogy chart.

He takes credit for "restoring Liberty University to financial health" with his father- after his father ran it into the ground. While it is true that it is the largest Bible-banging college, the fact that it is also a federal education funding welfare case is too tacky to bring up, at least by him.

He says Donald Trump is "the blue collar billionaire", which is why you see so many working class folks at Wal-Mart, stalking the aisles, cursing their fate, unable to find a single stick of uncomfortable Louis IV furniture.

Joe Arpaio, whose Zero Mostel, hurricane-shaped comb-around rests atop a beady-eyed head that never stops spinning out new scorn and contempt for the rule of law, is explaining how 55 years’ experience in law enforcement has led him to see Maricopa County taxpayers as permanent, involuntary donors to his bottomless legal defense fund.

He has a heartwarming story about how, before the Arizona primary, Donald Trump regularly called Arpaio’s cancer-stricken wife for five minutes now and again.

Joe is very poor on a teleprompter.


Mark Burns, the screaming caller-down of God's blessing on his conservative party in Monday's benediction, is back, recreating Garrett Morris's News for the Hard of Hearing on SNL.

One can only imagine how noisy he will be if President Trump repeals the ban on political activity by tax-exempt churches. As is, I am torn between fearing he is about to have a stroke and hoping he will. Like an old phonograph record, he develops odd skips in his screaming, "together...together...together...together...together..."

He is calling for a curiously standard-issue set of liberal urban renewal policies for the uplift of the African-American community God has called him to yell for.

He says there's really no reason to worry about terrorism because every time we get blow up we will rise from the ashes. He is concerned, however, that Black Lives Matter is practicing "diveyeshous" tactics.

Easley, SC, hang y'all's head.


Fran Tarkenton, a 76-year-old multimillionaire former NFL player, playing the role Joe Garagiola used at Republican conventions.

He believes America's minorities needs a 70-year-old white billionaire to guide them to becoming entrepreneurs, never mind Donald Trump's recently unearthed comments that black people are inherently lazy.

The rest of what he said is a fifty-year-old sports banquet talk.
Brock Mealor is a motivational speaker who learned to walk again after a car accident. Mostly, he is making an infomercial for himself, telling The Detroit Free Press, "While Mealer was surprised to see Trump win the Republican nomination, he is enthusiastic in his support for the candidate. He also sees speaking at the Republican National Convention as an opportunity too good to pass up under any circumstance...In my mind, there’s not really an opportunity like that that I would pass up or take lightly to have that kind of stage to stand on."

Mealor introduced a video of Coach Bobby Knight, who apparently could not be brought into a room with lots of chairs.

Congressman Marsha Blackburn of Tennessee is on and screaming. She is one of three women in Congress who insist on being called "Congressman" but seems to get a free pass in her choice of bathrooms.

One of the best congressmen Big Pharma can buy, she hates on internet neutrality even more than she does the mean gays. Another inside-outsider, she has spent eighteen years in the Tennessee legislature and Congress.

Mostly, tonight, she is being a bitchy, screechy, 64-year-old scold.

Her husband is founder of the International Bow Tie Society.

Governor Mary Fallin of Oklahoma says her mother told her she could grow up to be anything she wanted.

Governor Fallin passed along this good news to a son she boarded in a governor's mansion garage apartment after he got engaged (look up "Secondary virginity"), and to her daughter, who parked her motor home in the back yard and plugged the water and power lines right into Oklahoma taxpayers.

The rest was boilerplate. The speech, I mean.

Dr Lisa Shin is another legal immigrant, and one of the twelve minority speakers Donald Trump scheduled among his blonde babes and elderly billionaires. In the search for superlatives, she gushed that her parents would be so proud to see her on this platform, to see her “do, and be, the unimaginable.”

That needed an editor’s hand.

Dr Shin is making the most of her five minutes to scream. After her diatribe about Hillary Clinton’s qualifications, all I can say is, Dr Shin, optometrists aren’t real doctors.

Peter Thiel got pretty tepid applause from the delegates planted firmly in their seats. So now they have a gay, just as they have a black senator, and few women and brown people. See, we aren't racists!

And that Thiel guy, he didn't sound one bit German! But his parents were good immigrants.

Better yet, he told us those "few paragraphs" in the platform where we slag the gays and call for revoking their rights, we'll he says we don't have to agree on everything! So on with the whompin' and the stompin- we got a free pass from the gay guy!

Another billionaire business partner of Trump’s talked about how great being a billionaire and knowing the President will be for his bottom line.

Jon Voight used to hang with Hanoi Jane Fonda in his heyday.

Fading singers go to Branson; fading actors become Republicans. Voight borrows his talking points from Pat Boone and Chuck Norris now. He narrated the official convention film about Sarah Palin in 2008.

Last winter he and the Clerk of God, Kim Davis, were the special guests at the inauguration of the new governor of Kentucky.

He played President Franklin Roosevelt in the movie Pearl Harbor, despite all the man's wicked socialist programs. Now he's narrating The Donald's film.


Ivanka Trump is the daughter Donald Trump has sexual fantasies about.

For her part, she says Donald Trump is the best thrice-married single dad in American history.

Hew views on American public policy: She may not even be a Republican yet. And she thinks voting is too hard. Here’s what Politico reported:

Ivanka Trump won’t be voting for her father in New York’s primary next Tuesday because of the state’s “onerous rules,” she said.

Both Ivanka, who identifies as an independent, and her brother Eric Trump reside in New York but missed the October deadline to enroll in a party in order to register to vote in the April 19 primary.

“We’re not a family of politicians. We haven’t been in politics very long,” Ivanka Trump told CNN’s Anderson Cooper on Tuesday during a town hall with the Republican presidential front-runner and his family. “New York has one of the most onerous rules in terms of registration, and it required us to register a long time ago — almost close to a year ago — and we didn’t do that. We found out about it sort of after the fact.”

Eric Trump echoed that sentiment and highlighted voter registration videos the real-estate mogul’s children have put out. “It was our first kind of foray into politics,” he said. “We didn’t realize how the whole system worked. It was amazing. We actually made it a very big part of the campaign and there’s no one that’s been more visible on the campaign than the two of us, but we made it a very big part to get that message out” to register and vote.

Donald Trump defended his daughter’s independent affiliation, remarking that it’s hard to be thrilled about either party. “She’s gonna switch over to be Republican, I guess, at some point,” he said. “Perhaps she wants to see what’s going on, but I have a feeling she’ll be voting in November for me.”

Trump, who leads his Republican rivals by more than 20 points in the state, has said it’s fine that his kids won’t vote in the primary. “They had a long time [to] register and they were, you know, unaware of the rules, and they didn’t, they didn’t register in time,” he said on Monday. “So they feel very, very guilty.”

“But it’s fine,” he added. “I mean, I understand that.”


It’s The Great Cheeto, Charlie Brown! And he’s stolen the theme from Air Force One!

This time, his crack speechwriters didn’t steal anyone else’s speech. Donald Trump’s acceptance speech is as much his own work as the text of The Art of the Deal, and the World War II combat experiences of Ronald Reagan were of the great zombie leader of the party.

No, this time, the wordsmiths with their mucilage and blunt-ended scissors put together a fine speech. They just left it on a countertop at the Quicken Loans Arena Place Where You Leak Stuff Cafe.

So it has been out since about 4 this afternoon, and I’ve already read it. Nothing new. Fear. Guns. Police. Negroes. War. Trade Deals. Air Conditioners/Wall/Mexico. Great. Huge. Win. America.

But fair play to the nominee. He did reach out to the gays:

Only weeks ago, in Orlando, Florida, 49 wonderful Americans were savagely murdered by an Islamic terrorist. This time, the terrorist targeted our LGBT community.

As your President, I will do everything in my power to protect our LGBT citizens from the violence and oppression of a hateful foreign ideology.

Day to day life in America he will leave to the gay-bashing haters who wrote the Republican platform, taking their cues from VP Mike Pence, who will be running all domestic and foreign policy shops that don’t involve Making America Great Again.

It gives me comfort to know that if I am to be murdered, it will only be by an American who hates gays.

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