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Sunday, January 8, 2017

Porn Hub's 2016 Big Data survey says for Southerners, praying and wanking pretty much go hand-in-hand.

Porn Hub, the site for sexual visualizers, has released its annual report on how pervs of the world used its services in 2016. On every front, American proved itself Great Again Already.

As befits a nation of whose voters Franklin Graham says God directed to swing the election for Boss Trump, and who finally teased out of the Bible proof that loving God and sexual licentiousness are actually OK ("King David, he got a raw deal. All he did was grab Bathsheba's pussy. The rest was just the way life works. Her husband was a loser"), the Family Trump figured largely in the sexual fantasy searches of angry Americans:


Which all makes perfect sense. Eight of the top ten users of Porn Hub (in time spent per visit) are Southern strongholds of Baptist lust, bastardy, and Trump-copyrighted SEO words: "stepmom", "Stepdaughter", "lesbian", "teen", "black" and "celebrity sex tapes" (North Carolina came in 9th, no surprise in a state more obsessed by who has a penis than what they do with them).

We also learned that the 2016 Super Bowl was major Porn Hub search buzzkill for Charlotteans- until they figured out the Panthers were gonna get creamed, at which time they returned to searching for "creampies."


Alas, we found no charts to indicate that the 10,278 voters who could have saved the day for Governor Pat McCrory on November 8 just had more important things to do than get dressed and leave the house.



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